Ochre
by LillyMayFlower
Summary: A collection of Lily/Ethan oneshots. DISCLAIMER - I do not own Casualty or the characters.
1. I need your hug

**Ochre**

 **I have quite a collection of oneshots sitting on my laptop, and after some encouragement I've decided to start posting them under the title of "Ochre" (so chosen because when I created a Lithan aesthetic/inspiration board, this colour kept returning, and now it's become synonymous with this pairing in my head!)**

 **"I need a hug. No, I need your hug."**  
 _ **After a testing shift, Lily realises that there's only one person she wants. (You can read into this what you will, I don't think I've made it explicit that they are or are not a couple, so you can read it platonically or romantically as you wish.)  
**_  
Lily's mind felt all wrong, like it was short-circuiting under the stress of such a punishing day. Normally, she would have gone straight home as soon as the clock hit the end of her shift, with a view to curling up under her duvet and waiting for the storm to pass. But today, they'd been so short-staffed that she had had to stay in the department even after her shift had ended. It wasn't the Clinical Lead's preferred course of action, she knew, but sometimes it just had to be done. In fact, Lily should have left the hospital five hours ago. She mentally totalled up the hours in her head. Too many for one day. In one twenty-four hour period, she had spent more time working than not.

Her mind was wired: there were so many thoughts circulating that she'd lost track of which were important. There were three (four?) separate files that needed her signature. Two birthday parties, of university friends, that she needed to find a way to duck out of attending. One post-mortem report that she needed to add a statement to. And a partridge in a pear tree, she thought dully, reeling off the list that was weighing so heavily on her mind. But there was more too… Something Cal had said, about her being a wet blanket where anything fun was concerned. A patient who had found her a little too brisk, when really she was just exhausted, and hadn't wasted a moment in telling Mrs Beauchamp how inadequate her staff were. And Ethan.

Kind, sweet-natured Ethan, who had seen the stress in her eyes, hours ago, when he had started his own shift. Ethan, who had offered to take her home, an offer which she had refused because she didn't want to put him out of his way. It wasn't his job to look out for her, after all.

Lily drummed her fingers against the glass front of the vending machine. Even deciding which bar of chocolate she wanted seemed like too lofty a request for her brain to process. She closed her eyes momentarily, and rested her too-warm forehead against the glass.

"Um, Lily?" It was Ethan's voice.

She felt a twinge of embarrassment. Standing upright, turning to face him, she replied hastily. "Yes? I'm fine, just…" Just. One word, and yet it meant so much. She was just tired, just mentally exhausted. Just so many things, all of which stubbornly refused to form themselves into coherent sentences.

Ethan seemed to silently appreciate her inner troubles, as he reached over her shoulder and fed some coins into the machine. He tapped at the digital screen, and a packet of chocolate buttons flopped lazily into the tray at the bottom. Lily bobbed down to pick them out, before passing them to him.

He shook his head. "No, they're for you." And when Lily started rummaging in her pocket for some change to give him, he put a hand over hers quickly. "No, you look like you need a little pick-me-up, my treat."

"Thank you," she said, leaning back against the vending machine. She barely wanted to stay standing, but no doubt it would concern Ethan further if she inelegantly slid down the glass front to sit on the floor.

"Do you still want that lift home them?" he asked carefully. "I don't mean any offence, but you don't look in a fit state to be going home alone."

"None taken, I - I -" she stammered, feeling stupid. "I don't want to go home by myself," she admitted, in a half-whisper. "It hasn't been a good day."

"Let's not do this here," Ethan said. "Staff room?" She nodded by way of reply.

The staff room was empty, for which Lily had never been more grateful. She leaned against the counter as Ethan poured her a glass of water.

"So, not a good day?" he said, echoing her previous words in a gentle push to get her talking. "I mean, I gathered as much when I realised you were still here, and you should have gone home, what is it, three hours ago?"

"At least, more like five."

Ethan let out a low whistle. "Next time, tell me."

"There was nothing you could have done," Lily said. "I happened to be the closest person to Mrs Beauchamp's office, when she needed a doctor to stay longer."

"No, but I could have… I don't know, I could have looked out for you. You deserve that much."

"I'm so tired," she said in a weak voice.

Ethan took a step closer to her, until they were practically touching. "What do you need? I can take you home, or I can take you back to my place to crash for a while, if you'd rather. I'd rather not leave you here, to make your own way back."

Lily swallowed. "I need a hug." She wasn't particularly one for affection, but she just needed to know that someone was there. Ethan was always so kind to her; she loved that about him. He never joined in when other people were making unkind remarks. He was on her side. She was always just in with him, without question or consideration of circumstance. "No," she corrected herself. "I need your hug."

"Easily remedied," Ethan replied gently.

He pulled her into a caring embrace, and Lily felt instantly less alone. Resting her head on his shoulder was infinitely more rewarding than resting it against cold glass. Being this close to another person, especially someone who mattered so much to her, seemed to have magical powers, with which she could do battle against her stressed head. He made her feel better. She didn't need _anything_ more than that.


	2. Not just an ordinary game of Scrabble

**Thank you so much to TheBeautifulNerd and the guest reviewer, you both made me smile yesterday! Hope you both like this one, it's a lot more fluffy!**

 **Not just an ordinary game of Scrabble  
** _ **Ethan has a question to ask, but he doesn't know how. (Lily and Ethan are already a couple in this one)**_

* * *

 _Never before had Ethan appreciated the feeling of something burning a hole in his pocket, the way this little blue box managed to. He had been in possession of the delicate engagement ring for a little over two weeks, but he'd known that he'd wanted to ask for much longer than that. He knew that he wanted it to be perfect, an occasion befitting of the woman he wanted to marry, but what did 'perfect' look like anyway?_

* * *

"Penny for your thoughts, Ethan?" Zoe asked as she flicked the switch on the staff room kettle. The registrar had come in looking like his thoughts were definitely elsewhere. If he'd had a shift anything like hers, which had knocked the 'Friday Feeling' right out of her, then she'd be happy to lift some of the weight on his mind. As it stood, she'd come into this room with the express intention of not leaving again until she was dragged out by the Clinical Lead. She hadn't stopped to eat a thing all day, and a cup of coffee was also long overdue.

Ethan looked slightly conflicted. "Well, I – I'm just thinking about a lot, that's all."

Zoe smiled. If Ethan spent any more time inside his own head, he might disappear. "Cup of tea, then?" When he nodded in response, she pulled an extra mug from the cupboard at eye-level, then plucked the packet of biscuits from beside the kettle. "Whose idea was it, to leave chocolate digestives next to the kettle?" she asked rhetorically, rolling her eyes. She offered them to Ethan first. "I think you deserve first dibs, even if they are _slightly_ melted. You look like you've got the world on your shoulders!"

"Thanks," Ethan replied quietly. He removed his right hand from the pocket of his scrubs, reached for the offered biscuits, and quite by accident threw a little blue box across the linoleum floor. He froze for a second, gripped in shock.

The box landed at Zoe's feet. She bent down to pick it up, trying to disguise her amusement.

"Don't open it," Ethan said urgently.

"Wouldn't dream of it, don't worry. Is this what I think it is?" She looked at him, holding the box out on her palm.

Ethan took the ring-box from her and returned it to its safe place in his pocket. He considered his response carefully. He looked behind him to make sure that Lily wasn't about to appear in the staff room. "Yes," he replied. "I'm embarrassed to say," he added, "that I've been carrying it around for a little while now. I just don't know how to ask. I want it to be just right."

"Of course you do, but don't let the specifics drive you crazy." Zoe waited for the kettle to click off, before pouring the water into the two mugs she'd set out, one containing her instant coffee grounds and the other with a tea bag. The coffee smelled fantastic. "I've had one of those awful days where all I seem to do is deliver bad news to people who don't want it. In this job, you realise every day that you never know how short life is until you regret the things you never said. Ethan, you have someone who loves you and whom you love in return. You have no idea exactly how lucky you are. You don't need pomp and circumstance to show her how important she is to you – it'll mean more to both of you if you just do it your way and make each other happy."

Ethan accepted the cup of tea and began thinking again.

* * *

As usual, Zoe left the hospital that evening with Dylan. They walked in silence until they had put fifteen minutes between themselves and the E.D.

"Mark my words, there will be a wedding in our E.D., before the year is out," Zoe said, sounding pleased with herself.

"How can you possibly know that?" Dylan retorted. His voice was as derisive as ever, but this didn't stop him discreetly checking his best friend's left hand, just in case.

"How can you possibly _not_ know that? Haven't you seen the way Ethan and Lily are with each other? His eyes follow her everywhere."

Dylan looked slightly blank. "Do they?"

"Seriously? Fine, call it my intuition, or something."

"I'm more inclined to _or something_ ," Dylan said, watching Zoe judiciously select a cigarette from her packet. "You're grinning like the Cheshire Cat. You only ever look like that when you've been meddling in something. I'm sure you think you're Holby's answer to the fairy godmother."

Zoe lit the cigarette. "Better the fairy godmother than the troll under the bridge!" She threw back her head in laughter.

* * *

In their cosy little flat, Ethan was trying to convince Lily to play Scrabble. They were sitting on the sofa, one at each end. Facing each other, their knees were drawn up with their lower legs slightly tangled together.

It had been a long week. Coming home from work that night, Lily had wanted nothing more than a quiet night in, and it was unfolding to be just perfect. After dinner they'd sat like this, reading to further unwind from the week behind them, until Ethan had suggested they get out the Scrabble board.

"Are you sure?" she asked, trying to contain her delight. She closed her book in her lap and looked at Ethan intently. "Have you not been put off yet?"

"Of course not," Ethan replied. He smiled, pushing away the memory of being thrashed in the last four games, at least.

"Liar, liar, pants on fire." Lily's voice was gentle and sing-song. "It's not _me_ who has a habit of flipping the board." She bit the end of her tongue, holding in laughter but unable to stop herself smiling. Ethan, beautiful, fantastic, _calm_ Ethan, was also madly competitive. Their colleagues had no idea.

Ethan's ears turned pink. His book slid out of his grasp and hit the carpet, concertinaing a lot of the pages. To an outsider looking in, it might have looked as though he had dropped his first-born child, the concern written on both their faces was so severe. Ethan leaned down and picked up the book, pressing it shut to flatten the pages.

"Yes," he replied, "but that's only because you have the best memory for obscure vocabulary of anyone I've ever met. Please can we play though? I've got a good feeling about tonight."

"You say that every time," Lily said wryly. She stood up. "You sort the board, and I'll make tea. _Don't_ give yourself all the good letters. I'll notice, if you just give me the Q and the X and a load of other unhelpful consonants."

"You'd probably know a word to use them all in one foul swoop anyway," he teased gently, stopping her heading into the kitchen straight away by taking her hand in his. He stood up. "I love you, Lily. You know that, don't you?" His heart was thundering in his chest. The ring-box was safely tucked behind a cushion at his end of the sofa.

As part of her answer, Lily pressed her lips to his, her hands caressing both sides of his face. Her fingertips stroked his hair, and her thumbs rested on his cheeks. At last, when they pulled apart from this tender kiss, she verbalised her response. "Oh, I think so."

Lily didn't take long in the kitchen.

When she came back into the living room, carrying two mugs, she saw that all was not well with the Scrabble board. The official Scrabble dictionary was beside the board on the coffee table, as always. She rarely needed it but Ethan was a beast for checking that her obscure words were, in fact, allowed. The two letter racks were loaded with tiles, one on either side of the table. As she had expected, her rack was made up purely of the letters Ethan hated.

But there were already letters on the board.

"What have you been doing?" she said, shaking her head as she crossed the room. She set the mugs down on the table, then looked at Ethan quizzically.

He didn't reply, but looked back at the board.

Lily looked more closely at the words he'd spelled out, and covered her mouth. The little yellow tiles were laid out to say, "Will you marry me," but Ethan had replaced the 'o' with a beautiful, elegant ring. Lily sat down beside him on the sofa and was rendered speechless. All she could do was look at him through eyes filling with tears, and nod, before he enveloped her in a hug.

* * *

 _In the end, Zoe was right, as she often was. There was no raucous celebration, no excitement, no pomp or circumstance. There were simply two doctors; two people very much in love, who didn't need the whole world behind their decision to spend the rest of their lives together._


	3. Two little words

**Thank you for my reviews so far, you've been so kind and I really appreciate it x**

* * *

 **Two Little Words**

 _ **In which Lily worries too much, Zoe sets the world to rights, and everything turns out right in the end. (Lily and Ethan are a married couple here)  
**_

Having vomited for the third time that morning, Lily sank back from beside the toilet and sat against the bath, her knees drawn to her chest. She rested her forehead on her knees. She strongly suspected that this latest bout of nausea and vomiting was inextricably linked to the period that she should have started four days ago. And the two previous ones which also had not arrived. But so far, she hadn't yet dared to actually take the over-the-counter pregnancy test which lay buried in the back of her sock drawer, wrapped dramatically in a plastic carrier bag.

It wasn't that she didn't want to be pregnant. In fact, the reverse was true, but this didn't stop her being terrified at the same time. It had all gone so horribly wrong last time, and she was so afraid that the past would repeat itself that she had been relieved, when their previous two tries had been unsuccessful.

She was very glad that Ethan had already left for work. This gave her time and space to make herself look presentable, to conceal the fact that she was still feeling very wobbly. It also meant that he wasn't present to protest against her not eating any breakfast.

* * *

"Do you want to lead this one, Lily?" Zoe asked, after reeling off the information she'd received through the red phone. But, instead of the usual focus and enthusiasm, Zoe saw the junior doctor look up like a startled rabbit, as though she hadn't been concentrating. "Adult trauma call, chemical incident, ETA fifteen minutes," she repeated levelly.

Lily froze. She leaned over to look at the incident sheet, scanning it for chemicals that she knew to be teratogenic. Nothing stood out to her – and besides, she wasn't even really sure that she _was_ pregnant yet, so it would have to be a risk she was willing to take. "No – I – no, thank you," she stammered. "I mean – just – I'll assist, not lead, if that's okay."

"Sure, don't worry about it," Zoe replied, not drawing attention to Lily's sudden desire to shy away from the spotlight. "Okay?" she checked, raising one eyebrow.

"Yes, of course," Lily said, hoping that her lie would pass muster.

* * *

Once they were treating the patient, Zoe was glad that Lily had elected to assist and not to lead. The younger woman's concentration was lapsing far too easily, and she seemed peculiarly unwilling to get too involved with treating the patient. When the man was, at long last, wheeled out of resus, Zoe watched Lily closely. She was almost completely zoned out.

"Lily?" she said, placing a hand on her shoulder and trying to gauge how she was feeling from her pale face.

Lily was aware of being spoken to, but Zoe's soft voice sounded very far away. She was even disconnected from the consultant's touch on her shoulder. Her thoughts travelled slowly as she began to feel faint. "I'm not feeling too well," she mumbled, taking an unsteady step backwards.

"I can see that," Zoe answered calmly. "Let's get you out of here."

With a motherly hand at her back, Zoe steered Lily out of resus and into an empty cubicle, before pulling the curtain tightly shut.

"So, are you going to tell me why you're not yourself today?" she asked.

Lily sat on the edge of the bed, her legs dangling anxiously over the side. Where should she start? It wouldn't be news to Zoe that she had suffered a miscarriage several months ago: the consultant had been present on that awful day, and had been one of the first to offer her condolences afterwards. She had also been present when Ethan had arranged to release white balloons on the seafront. Zoe knew how much this would matter, and could probably guess how anxious Lily was, if only Lily could find the words to express all the thoughts rushing like an unstoppable current and crashing about in her brain.

"I noticed a couple of days ago," Zoe began, "but it's worse today, Lily. You've gone very quiet, is everything alright?" When Lily stayed silent again, Zoe noticed that she looked so deeply conflicted that she might cry. She switched tack quickly. "Okay, first of all, let's fix the fact that you nearly passed out in my resus. Toast? Cup of tea?" To her relief, Lily nodded. "You take sugar, don't you?"

Lily knotted her hands in her lap. "I'd rather not have sugar today, thank you." She knew that she sounded ridiculous: who changed the way they took their tea at the drop of a hat?

But if Zoe was surprised, she didn't show it. She'd had half an idea of what could be happening, from the moment that Lily looked over the incident sheet to see what chemicals they were dealing with. Almost fainting, and now a sudden change in preference only cemented her assumption. It wasn't her place to dig out the truth at this precise moment. Lily would spill the beans in her own time. And if she didn't, then there would be plenty of time for questions when she had something to occupy her wrung hands.

* * *

Zoe returned to the cubicle a few minutes later, carrying two mugs, Lily's full of unsugared tea and her own with strong coffee. A packet of rich tea biscuits was tucked under her arm.

"I was going to make you toast, and then I thought, if you're not feeling well, you'll want something plainer than that," she explained, unpicking the end of the packet of biscuits and taking one herself before handing the rest to Lily, who looked horrified. "I'm not expecting you to eat them all!" Zoe laughed. "Just get something in you, it might help."

But Lily looked down at the biscuits as though she might burst into tears.

"Hey, it's okay, Lily, I'm not trying to upset you," Zoe said softly.

"I know," Lily whispered. "I'm just so scared." She covered her face loosely with her hands, not caring that she would probably smear her glasses horribly.

"What are you scared of?" Zoe pressed. "There's nothing to be afraid of in here. Surely you know that there's too many people in here who are rooting for you, so nothing can go wrong?"

"I know," Lily repeated. She knew she would have to come out and say it, but the words seemed unwilling to escape the recesses of her brain. "You're going to think I'm being absurd – _I think I'm being absurd._ "

"Try me," Zoe said, her voice an exact equilibrium of firm and caring, pushing Lily's mug into her hands.

Lily sighed, and then all her words tumbled out in an unstoppable rush. "I'm almost completely sure that I'm pregnant. I've been nauseous constantly for more than a fortnight; I threw up three times before coming to work today but I made myself keep going because I almost had myself convinced that I'd missed three periods because I was stressed, and that my own worrying and overthinking was making me sick. I keep putting off taking the test because of what happened last time, and I'm _so afraid_ that I'll do something wrong or my body just won't let it happen."

"Oh, Lily," Zoe said, her face falling. This poor young woman was almost hiding from the obvious, medical truth, to comfort herself and avoid the terror that was encroaching upon her at the prospect of history repeating itself.

"I think," Lily said, taking a deep breath and gathering her thoughts sufficiently to return to something resembling normal, "I think what I mean to say, is that I would like you to test my blood and just tell me either way, even though I more or less know already."

A strange sense of calm had at last settled over Lily, while she waited in the staffroom, under Zoe's instruction to stay there while she rushed the sample of blood through the lab. And at last, her stomach was no longer rolling. Having eaten two slices of toast, she felt so much better that she forgot to worry until Zoe returned.

The consultant quickly scanned the room to check that Lily was alone. Even though she was, Zoe couldn't help herself whispering. The walls had ears in this place, after all. "Congratulations Lily. Looks like you don't have to worry, now."

Lily covered her mouth, feeling like she was frozen in time. She was very grateful when Zoe wrapped her arms around her, hugging her tightly.

"I think you need to go and find Ethan, don't you?"

* * *

Lily stood a few feet away from her husband. She was behind him, so he couldn't see her psyching herself up. In the next five minutes, her utterance of two simple words would turn their world upside down. Or maybe, since the miscarriage had already up-ended everything, her announcing a so-far completely viable pregnancy might just serve to put everything in their world back right again. Reminding herself that it was Ethan she was about to talk to, her beacon of light on a stormy sea, she walked around so that she was in front of him, leaned on the counter between them and rested her right hand on top of his left. He looked up, and when their eyes met, Lily was reminded of precisely why there was no need for her to be afraid. Leaning closer to him, her left foot lifted from the floor, only by a few inches but enough that Lily felt herself magnetically attracted to Ethan.

"Have you got a minute? Maybe ten?" she asked quietly. "There's something I'm dying to tell you, but I can't do it here."

Ethan's eyebrows furrowed. He studied Lily's face. She was trying so hard not to reveal a thing, but the corners of her mouth kept twitching upwards and her eyes gave her away. "Good news or bad news?" he asked, though he already knew the answer.

Lily ran her tongue along the edges of her front teeth. "That would be telling," she teased. "I promise it won't take long," she assured him, as she watched the way he considered his watch and the papers in front of him.

"I think you can be excused," Zoe said, walking up behind Ethan and making him jump. Her face was a further clue to Ethan that Lily wasn't about to break bad news: unlike his wife, Zoe couldn't hide an obvious smile.

* * *

"Why did we have to come all the way up here?" Ethan asked, looking at Lily, who was standing at the edge of the roof, leaning on the surrounding wall and looking down over the front of the hospital.

Lily took a while to answer, watching life go on at ground level. "Because… because you know what it's like down there," Lily said, turning back to face her husband. "You can't say anything without being overheard, and it's not that I don't want them to know, they'll know soon enough, but I want you to know first." She took a step closer to him and held his hands. "I'm pregnant."

Ethan's eyes lit up with joy. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came. Instead, he smiled, then put his hands tenderly on either side of Lily's face before kissing her forehead. "You know when people say that something has made their day? You've just made my whole year."


	4. Tomorrow

**Tomorrow**

 _ **In which Lily finds the words to say what she's wanted to for quite a while.  
**_

When Lily and Ethan stepped out of the hospital after their shifts, they both immediately shivered. The temperature had dropped a good three or four degrees since they'd last felt fresh air, at lunchtime. Now, the light was fading too and it was undeniably cold.

"Well, there's no confusing the seasons now," Lily remarked, buttoning her coat right up as they walked away from the E.D. "It's definitely autumn." She put her hands in her pockets, in the absence of gloves.

The last few days had seen the weather err between summer and autumn, temperatures and weather conditions fluctuating wildly. But tonight, there was no warmth left in the air whatsoever: the wind whistling between rows of terraced houses was bitter.

"Don't you just love it, though?" Ethan said wistfully, watching his breath rise in reluctant puffs in front of his face before hiding back behind his thick scarf. "It's so crisp, and it's almost Christmas." He looped his arm around Lily's before putting his hands in his pockets too.

"We haven't even had Halloween, yet. How can you be excited for Christmas?" Lily asked, slightly disbelieving. She hunched her shoulders, vowing to wear better clothes tomorrow.

"I'm _always_ excited for Christmas," Ethan replied firmly.

They walked on, chatting mundanely about their day, Ethan arguing his case for why Christmas was the best time of year and why autumn came a close second.

"It's all the good parts of Christmas: hot drinks, warm jumpers and rained off plans –"

"You'd do anything for rained-off plans," Lily countered, wishing she was wearing a warm jumper right now. She wouldn't say no to wearing one of Ethan's jumpers, either. She pulled her arm free of Ethan's then wriggled her hand into his pocket until their palms touched and their fingers found their familiar linked position. "Anything to stay in with a good book."

"Anything to stay in with _you_ and a good book," Ethan corrected. "Autumn is all the best bits of Christmas, minus the chaos. It's so pure and cold."

Having reached the point where their paths parted, they stopped walking. They hesitated on this street corner, feeling a little like love-struck teenagers in their permanent uncertainty over what to do next and their reluctance to separate.

"I'll give you the victory, autumn is very nice," Lily said, her teeth beginning to chatter lightly, "but the key part of what you just said, is _cold._ I'll see you in the morning." She hated that Ethan seemed to have this wonderful way with words and she seemed so heartless and boring by comparison.

"You really are cold, aren't you?" Ethan said, concerned.

"I'll be fine."

She let go of Ethan's hand and took a step away, before he called her back.

"Wait a second," he said, before pulling his scarf out from the top of his coat and wrapping it around his girlfriend's neck, tying it securely.

Lily shivered, but not because she was cold. The scarf held some residual heat from Ethan. She wanted to keep it on and never take it off, but – "Won't you be cold now?"

"Maybe, but my walk is shorter than yours, and you're already cold," he said, shrugging a little as he adjusted his coat collar.

"Thank you," Lily breathed. "I think this is just about the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. You're … you're unbelievable, but you're excellent." Her assessment of him could have been so much better, but she couldn't help herself being slightly starstruck by his kindness.

"Excellent? You think so?" Ethan said, biting his lip and raising his eyebrows.

Lily smiled. The scarf smelled like him in all the right ways. "I think so."

"Tomorrow, then?"

"Tomorrow, and the next day, and the next."

At last, after the briefest of kisses, they parted for the evening. The streetlights were almost all on, glowing weakly in the less-than-half light.

About ten paces down the road, Lily had a sudden flash of inspiration. She turned back around and ran the short distance until she had caught up with Ethan.

"What are you doing?" he said, letting out a tiny laugh. They were standing by a set of traffic lights beside a busy road.

Lily was slightly breathless, her heart beating with anticipation more than exertion. "I had to tell you… you said all the things you love about autumn. And you have to know, that my best thing about autumn…" She looked down at her shoes, bashful although this was an emotion she felt so rarely. "I get to share it with you." For a second, there was silence. And then Ethan hugged her so hard that he lifted her a few inches off the ground. Lily kissed him properly, her hands in his hair. Their noses were still touching, both of them cold now from being outside for so long, when Lily whispered, "tomorrow."


	5. The Music Box

**The Music Box**

 **(I really wasn't sure whether to post this or not, but I wrote it a long time ago, or it feels like it anyway, and with coming back to uni today it felt like an appropriate one to upload.)**

 _ **Even more AU than usual– Lily and Ethan are medicine students living in the same Halls of Residence. It's been a difficult term, and Lily is feeling it more than most. They aren't a couple but there is some serious chemistry brewing between them.  
**_  
Lily was kneeling on the floor by her wardrobe, holding a small wooden box in her hands. She heard a knock at the door and started violently in surprise. She put the little box down on top of her bedspread. Opening the door, her heart was still thudding in her chest. Ethan was leaning on the door frame already. This made her smile, although she knew that her breath probably sounded shaky already.  
"Hey," he said softly. "I didn't mean to make you jump."  
"It's not your fault," she replied, standing against the heavy fire door. "Do you want to come in?" Talking at the door was okay, but talking behind the door was better.  
"Yes, okay." He looked calm, and sounded calm – how did other people always manage that?

Like always, they sat on her bed. She was cross-legged, and he was lounging with his legs dangling off the bed. She was fidgeting with her blouse, pulling at the bottom hem with two hands. In an instant, Ethan's hands were around hers, holding them still and steady.  
"Bad day?" He always knew.  
She thought, then sighed. "It's always a bad day. It's being a wallflower, it comes with the territory."  
"It's not always a bad day," he reminded her. "And being a wallflower is not something to see as a flaw." Being a wallflower was their code for this, whatever it was. The thing that messed with her head non-stop and seemed to do nothing but get in the way. He let go of one of her hands, and lifted her chin with one finger, so she was looking up, instead of down into her lap. "You see everything, you're going to be the best doctor out of any of us. Nothing goes unnoticed on your watch."  
Lily's cheeks coloured a little. "That doesn't stop everyone thinking I'm invisible."  
"That is their loss. Real wallflowers aren't invisible, they're beautiful. You're beautiful."

She shook her head. She wasn't beautiful. She wasn't conventionally pretty, or the kind of girl to turn heads, or any of it. Presently, she was wearing her glasses (as always) and her hair was drawn back into two immaculate French plaits, save for her fringe, which she was probably hiding behind. Her parents, her tutors, everyone, always called her out for hiding behind her fringe. At least she no longer had braces on her teeth. She knew that Ethan thought of her as more than a friend, and she wished that she could work out why. She wanted to think of him as more than a friend. He was so kind, relentlessly lovely. And he navigated everything with such ease. He was still quiet, but he was quietly confident, and that made the world of difference. She loved that he lived next door to her. Sometimes he would tap on the wall to check she was still there, and she would tap back. These days, even a tiny motion like that was enough to set up a good deal of panic and worry, but she would never tell him that.

He picked up the music box – in allowing him in, she had forgotten all about it. She bit her lip, and he immediately used the soft pad of his thumb to roll her lip from under her front teeth.  
"Don't," he said quietly. She nodded in response. "What's this?"  
The question was innocent enough. It wasn't about her, and if she pretended hard enough, she could get through answering it. "It's … a music box. Mine, actually." She realised how stupid she sounded: it was on her bed, who else could it possibly belong to? Ethan hadn't noticed her mistake though. "I've had it since I was a child, I think it was my grandmother's, originally."  
"Can I open it?"  
"Of course. You might have to wind it up a little first, though."

Ethan's nimble fingers turned the key a few times, before he carefully lifted the lid. There was a flicker of recognition in his eyes as he heard the tune. Lily pulled her cuffs down over her hands.  
"Let me teach you how to dance… Do you know how to dance, Lily?" He was just teasing, she knew, but it was enough to send her heart thudding against her ribs. This was ridiculous, why could she not be in control of herself?  
Shaking her head a little, she mumbled in response. "What do you think? I can barely speak, dancing is not my thing."  
"Ah, but dancing is different. The words are very sweet, to go with the music, do you know them?"  
Lily wished she could be a little more interesting. "I didn't know there were words at all," she said.

Ethan stood up. He reached out for her hands, smiling warmly. He wanted her to stand up, and dance, with him, here. On university-issue coarse carpets, in an artificially lit room, behind curtains that hadn't been opened for too long, and a door that opened for so few people. Lily started fidgeting again, wringing her hands. She realised that he was still waiting, patient as anything. The fact that Ethan hadn't pushed her to go faster than she wanted to, the fact that he didn't seem capable of impatience… it made everything feel easier. She took his hands, her mouth dry. He pulled her gracefully up from the bed.  
"Wait," she whispered. She walked across the room and opened the curtains, throwing open the window as she did so. There were birds singing outside. And sunlight. She flicked the lights off at the wall; they didn't need them. When she turned back to Ethan, he was smiling again, as he put down the music box, having wound it a few more times.

Each breath shuddered in her chest, but she wanted this, so much.

He held out his hands to her again, and she took them, allowing him to position her hands for her, one at his shoulder and one at his hip. She could feel his jeans through his t-shirt. She could feel her fingers twitching, unused to being still, and touching fabric without clawing at it out of fear. He put one of his hands on her shoulder too, and when he put his other hand on her waist, Lily felt her breath catch in her throat. This was real.  
"Okay?" he checked. She nodded. He started to recite the words, half-singing and half just speaking them, as the music box kept going.

 _"Let me teach you how to dance,  
Let me lead you to the floor,  
Simply place your hand in mine,  
And then think of nothing more."  
_  
They were waltzing, Lily decided. And it was magical, allowing herself to be led around her tiny little bedroom in a way that was so alien and yet so perfectly right.

 _"Let the music cast its spell,  
Give the atmosphere a chance,  
Simply follow where I lead,  
Let me teach you how to dance."  
_  
And then they were standing, in the middle of her room, in complete silence. Comfortable silence. Calm silence. Lily looked into Ethan's eyes, realising with embarrassment that he could probably see tears forming in the corners of her eyes.  
"Now, was that so bad?" he said, teasing again.  
"No," she admitted. "It was perfect. More than perfect." There was a pause, when she normally would have been anxious to fill the silence. But she wasn't anxious. For a change, a brilliant change, things felt okay. "Thank you."

 **The words and the tune that I was thinking of when I wrote this, are from a film called Miss Potter. I don't own them, I have merely borrowed them because I think they're beautiful.**


	6. Something as simple as this

**Something as Simple as This**

 _ **In which Lily and Ethan realise they are more alike than they thought. Sometimes, it's the little things that make a relationship right, like being geeky and somewhat proud of it. (There is some French towards the end of this, I will translate it of course, but it seemed important at the time of writing!)**_

* * *

Ethan led his girlfriend into his living room, his cheeks growing warm. He was seeing it through her eyes, and he was suddenly embarrassed by the bookshelves crammed with volumes on anything and everything and the fiction books which barely fitted in their allotted places. Involuntarily, he cringed when his eyes fell on the piano, sheet music messily scattered in the stand and in little piles on the top of the meant-to-be-beautiful instrument.

Lily picked up on his malaise at once. "What's the matter?" she asked, squeezing his hand gently and pulling him towards her. She hoped that it wasn't her stunned silence which had upset him. In truth, she'd never seen another house quite as like hers as this one.

"This place," he explained, "it's so untidy, and so full of stuff… I bet your place looks nothing like this." He was ashamed – at work he always put on this façade of meticulous perfectionism, and yet at home he was nothing of the sort. His brain was just as wild and untidy as anyone else's, maybe more so because of all the things he tried to keep in there.

"My place," Lily began, "looks exactly like this."

Ethan let out a low whistle of a sigh, relief evident from even the way he was standing. Perhaps his assumption that her apartment was a minimalist paradise wasn't quite as correct as he had thought.

Lily went on. "Well, not exactly, because I'm pretty jealous of how many books you have…" She paused, her eyes settling on the piano. A smile spread across her face, and she bit her bottom lip lightly, failing to conceal her joy. "And I play the cello, not the piano. My sheet music looks just like that, too." She nodded to the haphazard piles of paper, and looked back at Ethan, who had a look of quiet triumph on his face.

She wanted to explore this room, uncover every little secret; it was like walking around Ethan's mind. Letting go slowly of Ethan's hand, so that he could easily stop her if he wasn't happy, Lily tilted her head towards the bookcase and waited for his nod of approval before heading over there. She examined the books at eye-level first, noticed the total lack of organisation, then sat cross-legged on the floor to look more closely at the books at the bottom. So far, she'd spotted a wide array of genres and authors, the organisation of which was atrocious at best. Historical fiction, next to fantasy, beside crime and mystery, interspersed with history books on medicine through time, the Titanic and the Second World War. The best way to get to know a person, she realised, was to carefully inspect their collection of books. There were post-it notes poking out of some of the volumes, and Lily longed to read them all, but now was not the time.

Her fingertips still brushing the leather spine of a collected works of Arthur Conan Doyle, she turned back to look at Ethan, who was standing awkwardly in the middle of the room as if he didn't know where he belonged in his own house. Lily looked away from him quickly. "Sorry. Who knew something as simple as this would turn me into such a terrible guest?"

"Don't be sorry!" Ethan replied at once. "It's good to be in the company of someone who likes books as much as I do. It's kind of... wonderful, actually." He walked over and knelt beside her.

"There are just so many _different_ books here, it's no wonder you have such an infinite supply of general knowledge," she said, with a hint of admiration.

"I can't help it," Ethan said, semi-apologetically. "The whole universe interests me."

Lily smiled warmly. "What are you reading at the moment?" she asked, extending her hand out to rest it on Ethan's knee.

"Um," Ethan stalled, kneeling a little higher and looking at the shelf at his eye-level. He made careful thinking noises as he tapped each book in turn, with, Lily noticed, a piano player's rhythm and precision. "There," he said eventually, his index finger resting on a well-worn paperback. " _Last Seen Wearing,_ by Colin Dexter. Inspector Morse."

Lily's eyes followed where Ethan was looking. She stifled a gasp as she realised that not all of the titles were in English. All of books surrounding _Last Seen Wearing_ were in French. She tapped a couple of them to draw Ethan's attention. "You speak French, then? You're full of surprises."

Ethan's ears turned pink. "Mon frère ne pense pas que ce soit le cas," he muttered bitterly, before he could stop himself. **(My brother does not think that this is the case.)**

"C'est pas toujours important, l'opinion de ton frère," Lily replied, pressing a little harder on Ethan's knee to pull him out of his head for a moment. **(Your brother's opinion is not always important.)** she watched Ethan's jaw drop in surprise, before continuing. "Moi aussi, peut-être je suis plein de surprises." **(Maybe I'm also full of surprises.)**

Given that they were outright speaking the language of love, it shouldn't have been a surprise to either of them that they kissed; gently, nervously, cautiously, then passionately. Hands interlocked, books temporarily forgotten, but this moment always to be remembered. The whole universe, it seemed, interested them both, especially when they were together.

* * *

 **The quote "The whole universe interests me" was originally by George Brecht, but when I first came across it, I could only hear it in Ethan's voice.**


	7. A sleepless night

**A Sleepless Night**

 **A short snippet of Lithan's pre-married life. Hope you enjoy x**

* * *

Lily couldn't sleep, and she couldn't understand why. She rolled silently onto her back, staring at the ceiling as she listened to Ethan's rhythmic breathing.

They had slept in the same bed before, of course. Having been a steady couple for nearly two years and having been engaged for a little under three months, they were not strangers to sharing a bed. Odd nights in her apartment or Ethan's house; weekends away in seaside cottages or city hotels; and a glorious week spent in the Swiss Alps as a late birthday present, which had concluded with Ethan getting down on one knee and asking Lily to become his wife. Lily was quite used to falling asleep on the left-hand side of the bed while Ethan occupied the right.

The moon was bright outside – Lily had seen it before coming up to bed – but the light slipping between the slats of the blind was artificial and orange, casting perfectly straight horizontal stripes of street lighting onto the wall by Ethan's side of the bed. There was a quiet hum of road noise, not far from the house. A cat meowed loudly, somewhere outside. Lily heard footsteps on the pavement below the window; she listened intently as they got further and further away. The world was still moving, the earth was still turning, other lives were still happening. These three facts were some that Lily had learned to remind herself of, whenever insomnia had its way and tried to bend her mind until she believed that she was the last one still awake on the whole planet.

She supposed that her sleepless night had this time been caused by change – she had never been much good at it. Tonight was their first night in their new house – the first place they had ever shared. It belonged to them both, they lived here together now, and although it was everything that Lily wanted, it was obvious that it would also take some personal adjustment.

There was no point beating herself up about not falling asleep. She wasn't on shift again until the middle of next week, so if she was tired tomorrow, it really didn't matter. She took a long, slow breath, in and out, and began to count deliberately backwards from one hundred.

When she reached sixty-two (feeling more relaxed although not particularly sleepy) Ethan rolled to face her, his eyes fluttering open drowsily.

"What's the matter?" he mumbled sleepily.

"Nothing," Lily whispered. "Can't sleep." She rubbed her eyes. "It's not a new experience, trust me. But I had hoped that I wouldn't disturb you."

"You didn't." Ethan yawned. "Woke up by myself, not your fault. What's the time?"

Lily reached over to her bedside table and clumsily flipped over her phone. The bright screen burned her eyes for a moment until her vision adjusted. "Two Twenty-seven." Her heart sank. She had rather hoped it would be later than that; then at least there might be less time ahead than behind her.

"C'mere," Ethan said, shuffling closer to Lily and holding her gently. "That's a long time to feel like you're the only one left awake," he whispered, and in that moment, Lily knew that he understood. She relaxed, putting her hand over Ethan's.

"Thank you," she whispered, curling down to kiss Ethan's hand, before allowing her eyes to close. It was infinitely easier to sleep when she knew that she wasn't alone. Her mind, which had been full of unpacked boxes and a to-do list eight miles long, gradually quieted and allowed her to slide into sleep, not a moment too soon.


End file.
